• 05 Jul

    Boozy pensioners, vigilantism and the Pope’s Tweets.

    The Royal College of Psychiatrists has just released a report saying people over 65 should drink less booze. Is this really a serious problem? Is Britain filled with hammered pensioners kicking off during a football match when denied their tenth pint of noxious, continental lager?

    Last time we checked, it’s not grannies falling out of night clubs in tiny skirts, their faces smeared in a tear-stained fright mask of mascara and shame. It’s not members of the British Legion passing out in the gutter clutching a bottle of Bulmers. Police cells aren’t overflowing on a Friday night with the cast of Dad’s Army, having been caught brawling over which is the best Vera Lynn record.

    Anyway, if you’ve managed to reach retirement age without a hitch, the least you deserve is a drink. Let them have their booze, they’ve earned it.


    Apparently if burglars try to rob your house it will soon be legal to attack them. That’s what the Government has said. Well there’s a comfort. This could be our way of stamping out crime altogether.

    We could all entice thieves into our homes with a breadcrumb trail of valuables leading up to our open doors, behind which we lie in wait, brandishing a machete.Why stop there? We could display ‘everything must go’ posters in our front windows advertising all our laptops, phones and jewellery, then mount a machine gun at the top of the stairs.

    We could even take the fight to them. Let’s all dress up as costumed vigilantes, speak in an unconvincing gravelly voice and deal out rough justice while driving around in a totally impractical but undeniably cool car. Actually best not. None of us are superheroes. You are not Batman. He is not real. In fact, do not under any circumstances try any of the things above. You will go to prison.


    In an effort to reach out to the next generation the Pope has joined Twitter. Presumably this pontiff is confident he can truly convey the weighty message of avoiding eternal damnation through the salvific ministry of Jesus Christ in 140 characters or less.

    Don’t know if he’s looked through it lately, but that Bible’s a weighty old tome. He should be better off keeping his tweets simple. ‘pls cum 2 church’ is an option. ‘God is gr8’ is another. ‘Vatican not Vatican’t’ could be a third.

    According to the news, the Pope’s Twitter account got 33,000 followers in its first day. Not bad going. When Jesus was alive, he only had twelve.

  • 22 Jun

    What’s going on then?

    Hello world. Been a while since I checked in. Not for any particular reason, and so it seems fitting I post this update, not for any particular reason.

    This year I have been carrying on my duties as the sole and first ever full-time Staff Writer for Comedy Central here in the UK, a strange TV channel full of contradictions and oddities. Guess that’s what makes it unique.

    Aside from the usual script editing/continuity writing, recently I’ve been charged with writing ‘subliminal’ messages that pop up momentarily on the TV screen in between the programmes. They’re fun to do as i have complete free rein to write about whatever I want.

    They’ve caused a bit of a stir, with people posting these ‘hidden’ messages on YouTube and subsequent debate as to whether or not the Government is using secret mind control devices on the unsuspecting public. Here’s the deal. They’re not. Still, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not after you….

    I’m also set to produce a further series of podcasts with comedians Robin Ince and Josie Long. “Robin and Josie’s Utter Shambles” has proves to be a lot of fun to make, allowing me to meet some truly inspirational people. The latest series topped the iTunes podcast chart and has currently had one and a half million downloads and counting. Can’t wait to see who we get for the next batch.

    As for my own projects, I’m set to film and appear a series of online shorts I’ve co written with two other talented men, one an excellent writer the other a rather nifty producer/director. Both very funny people and we’ve pretty much nailed down a shooting script and most of the pre-recorded rushes so hopefully we can clear out schedules to actually get in front of the camera before the summer is over.

    Work also continues on an original comedy pilot script I’ve been commissioned to write for independent production company TellyJuice, which i am enjoying immensely. This is the first time I’m working with an already established world and characters, so it’s been fun slotting all the pieces together with my own plot. There’s also a part in it for me (pure coincidence, I assure you) so watch this space.

    In other news, I was recently blown away by Jerry Seinfeld’s O2 show (a masterclass in delivery, timing and structure), I have developed what I hope to be a lifelong and mutually caring relationship with Hendricks gin and tonic (plus cucumber of course, not lime) and am looking forward to reliving my teenage metal years with some of my oldest friends when the ‘Big Four’ come to play at the Sonisphere Festival in July.

    My aim from now on is to make more regular blog posts but for more immediate updates, follow me on Twitter:

    By admin General News
  • 22 Dec

    Still alive!

    Hello world,

    Been quite quiet on here for a while. There are many reasons for this, some fit for public consumption, others far from it.

    Just to keep you up to speed on what I’m currently up to I have been made Staff Writer at Comedy Central in the UK. This includes writing all the links across all the channels, as well as working across online and print campaigns and consulting on the development of potential commissions.

    I’ve also just finished producing a ten-part series of podcasts for the channel. Robin and Josie’s Utter Shambles proved a very enjoyable experience in which I got to work with a few personal heroes from the world of comedy and popular culture. Meeting comics legend Alan Moore and finding him to be polite, friendly, warm and hilarious was a real treat. I also got to indulge my inner geek by getting my copy of From Hell signed. The graphic novel, not the rubbish film version.

    Utter Shambles has to date been downloaded over a million times and topped the comedy podcast chart on iTunes, so hopefully 2011 will see more. Click here to download all of them for free.

    I’ve also been writing a regular blog for other digital comedy channel Dave. I’ve enjoyed doing this as it allows me to freely give my opinion on the comedy industry – a fickle, schizophrenic and bewildering beast that I continue to find enchanting, frustrating, exciting and depressing in equal measure. Anyway, here’s the blog. It’s written under an alias but it IS me.

    So, as 2010 draws to a close what have I learnt over a year with more than its fair share of ups and downs? Well lots. But here are Ten 2010 nuggets I’d like to share with anyone who cares to read them:

    1. Never ignore the elephant in the room. If you do, it’ll only turn around a bite you on the arse.

    2. Whatever you think is going on, that’s what’s going on.

    3. Michael Winner tweets brilliantly.

    4. People are, on the whole, unhelpful.

    5. It takes an hour and a half to walk from Highgate to Oxford Street.

    6. NEVER ignore your gut feeling. If you do…see point 1.

    7. Channel Four has stopped making good comedy – almost willfully so.

    8. Listening to audio versions of autobiographies is a true joy.

    9. Red Dead Redemption is arguably the most fun you can have on a computer that doesn’t involve porn.

    10. Happiness is…

    By admin General News
  • 16 Aug

    Films and stuff

    Hello world,

    Been a bit quiet lately, but highlights have been interviewing US actor Patrick Warburton for Comedy Central. He is the voice of wheelchair-bound Joe Swanson in Family Guy but more excitingly for me he was Elaine’s boyfriend Puddy in Seinfeld and The Tick. Anyway he was lovely, witty and all round nice guy. Expect to see that interview online soon.

    Also I just finished filming a scene for an independent movie written by Alex Billington and directed by Stephen M Katz, who was director of photography for The Blues Brothers and Gods And Monsters to name a few. Needless to say he knew was he was doing and the scene was very fun to do. Expect that appearing here soon.

    Lastly, a short film called Ali & The Lamp, which I co-wrote with writer/director Michael Yanny is nearing completion and is scheduled to premiere in September. I also pop up in it as a policeman (again), so we’ll see how that turns out….

  • 05 Jul

    You can’t take it with you…

    There’s always an emotional ambivalence whenever I visit the place I grew up. It ranks as one of the most picturesque places I’ve ever been to in this country – yet of course I never appreciated this as a child – and today was no exception.

    The sun cast its warm rays on fields of long wheat and fallow grass as I walked off a lovely delicate roast down into the village while the afternoon heat and brilliant light brought out butterflies and grasshoppers in their multitude, dancing and singing in celebration of the peaceful joys of Summer.

    Every so often I disturbed a rather dopey sheep or a petrified rabbit and, as I made my way down into the small sheltered community which had sustained itself for over a thousand years, a huge sense of peace washed through me, untangling the knots that have been keeping their white knuckle grip on my upper back these past few months.

    Yet at the same time there was an innate melancholy dragging me down more and more strongly the further I descended down into the valley. The sensation grew to such an extent that after a while I wondered why I do this to myself. Why do I travel down there only to be disappointed by what I find? And why am I disappointed by this as I know every single time exactly what it is that I will find?

    Nothing changes and yet everything has gone.

    I guess I have to accept in my character the down side of being a hopeless nostalgic; you are constantly chasing something that does not exist, longing to embrace that which by its very nature cannot be grasped. Time is ethereal, relative and abstract, yet here I am yet again trying to recapture those moments as if they were etched in stone and preserved in the very landscape that cradles my family home. Searching in vain to recapture the solace that comes from the period in my life when I felt the most content.

    No matter how beautiful the surroundings, those fields aren’t half as wonderful to walk through alone as they were years ago when I enjoyed many a summer’s day such as this in these fields with close friends. It represented a time when nothing really mattered and anything was possible, but the one person who made me so happy growing up, sheltering me from the loneliness and isolation that comes from living in the middle of nowhere, is no longer there, long since moved away and got on with their life as I had – or as i thought I had.

    Refusal to accept this, no matter how immature I know it is, is always lurking in the back of my mind and so it seems silly to force my own arrested development down my own throat. Trouble is, the vestiges of my past are still there and so i will always be drawn back there, particularly on a gorgeous summer day.

    And I still believe that anything is possible. The difference is now I know exactly what you have to to get there…

    By admin General News
  • 15 Jan


    I joined a gym this week. I cautiously made my way to some underground vault, the corridors of which lined with intimidating images of modern day Apollos screaming in enjoyment at the sheer excitement of being in peak physical condition. Undeterred, I pushed on towards the reception.

    Then I met him. A man with an anvil for a jaw and a name entirely made up of consonants. His handshake was surprisingly gentle but his ridiculously manic stare and rictus grin painted before me an impression of the man I suspected he actually was. A git.

    We sat down and he began talking in that bizarre fashion that those sporty times tend to do; all superlatives and hyperbole. I can’t quite recall all the details but I do remember mention of “extreme workout”, “total energy immersion” and “ultimate goal.” “What’s you’re ultimate goal?” he asked, “because we can achieve it here!”

    My ultimate goal is to write a great novel. I’m pretty certain it can’t be realised in this gym or any other but I daren’t tell you that, I thought. If you mean ‘why are you here’ then it is simply to help make sure that I don’t die young. That, my absurd new friend, is why I’m here. Can you help me in this? Can you prevent me from dying? You have the body of a god, but have you the power? Probably not.

    I joined anyway and I have now begun climbing my own personal Mount Olympus to achieve my ultimate goal, mainly on Mondays and Wednesdays. It think I can. I think it’s doable. I feel, for the first time in my life, as though I can cheat death, defy mortality and rise triumphant, as eternal as those beautiful creatures who work at the gym, and then I can spend all eternity avoiding them.

    By admin General News
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