• 15 Jan


    I joined a gym this week. I cautiously made my way to some underground vault, the corridors of which lined with intimidating images of modern day Apollos screaming in enjoyment at the sheer excitement of being in peak physical condition. Undeterred, I pushed on towards the reception.

    Then I met him. A man with an anvil for a jaw and a name entirely made up of consonants. His handshake was surprisingly gentle but his ridiculously manic stare and rictus grin painted before me an impression of the man I suspected he actually was. A git.

    We sat down and he began talking in that bizarre fashion that those sporty times tend to do; all superlatives and hyperbole. I can’t quite recall all the details but I do remember mention of “extreme workout”, “total energy immersion” and “ultimate goal.” “What’s you’re ultimate goal?” he asked, “because we can achieve it here!”

    My ultimate goal is to write a great novel. I’m pretty certain it can’t be realised in this gym or any other but I daren’t tell you that, I thought. If you mean ‘why are you here’ then it is simply to help make sure that I don’t die young. That, my absurd new friend, is why I’m here. Can you help me in this? Can you prevent me from dying? You have the body of a god, but have you the power? Probably not.

    I joined anyway and I have now begun climbing my own personal Mount Olympus to achieve my ultimate goal, mainly on Mondays and Wednesdays. It think I can. I think it’s doable. I feel, for the first time in my life, as though I can cheat death, defy mortality and rise triumphant, as eternal as those beautiful creatures who work at the gym, and then I can spend all eternity avoiding them.

    By admin General News
  • 20 Dec

    King’s Head

    Hello world!Just a quick one to say that I’ll be performing on stage at the famous “Downstairs At The King’s Head” in Crouch End this Sunday (21st) – Mock The Week’s Andy Parsons is headlining and it should be a good festive night, so come down if you’re around.As you were.

    By admin Uncategorized
  • 21 Nov


    I really shouldn’t blog when I’m boozed up.

    By admin Uncategorized
  • 21 Nov

    Hell is other people.

    I have of late come to the conclusion that things are not as they should be. I wish this was not the case but sadly it is. Only today I was in a pub sat irritatingly near a woman with the kind of grating, piercing laugh that cuts through you like kitchen scissors through cheap wrapping paper. Even her friends looked at her in abject horror, as if they didn’t know exactly how to treat this odious mostrosity before them: walk away or silence her raucous caterwalling with a pencil to the throat? Needless to say they did neither – instead they let her carry on with her own unique brand of auditory rape. I simply sat with my friend, put off our pints.

    By admin Uncategorized
  • 22 Oct

    Catch me if you can…

    Hello world,Really not sure why I didn’t post this sooner but I’m about to get down and stand up again. You can catch me at The Oxford in Kentish Town on Thursday 23rd October as part of Monkey Business Comedy Club and then in Southampton on Sunday October 26th at You JestI’ll post more dates as and when I know what they are…

  • 05 Oct

    Iraqi Rocks On Radio

    UPDATED: You can now listen to the whole show at your leisure by clicking here.Hello world.Just thought you might like to know I have finally got to indulge my monstrously unfashionable love for heavy metal with the listening public. You will be able to hear my dulcit tones banging on about the genre on a brand new documentary for BBC Radio 4.Bagdad Headbangers follows the turbulent exploits of Acrassicauda, Iraq’s only heavy metal band, who have had to flee their homeland since the fall of Saddam Hussein’s regime. Rather suprisingly the band were allowed to perform while the late dictator was in power and it is only now, in a ‘liberated’ Iraq, that they have had to flee to Turkey for fear of their lives.The documentary is being transmitted on Saturday 11th October at 10.30 am on BBC Radio 4. Click here for more info.

  • 01 Oct

    Welcome To My New Look Site!

    Hello world!Hope you are well. Have a nose around my shiny new site, where you’ll be able to find out lots of things about me, what I’ve done and what I’m about to do. This site has been specially built to be fully interactive so feel freel to make a comment about anything here that takes your fancy.I’m going to be adding to this site myself as often as I can, but if you have any questions or info you think I may want to know about, please let me know.As you were.A

    By admin General
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